This is something I have learned time and time again. Growing up and being one of those little ones who don't like mass amounts of attention made me one of those people who, if something makes me uncomfortable, and it isn't required, I will avoid it at all costs. Pretend to be sick instead of going to class for a presentation, send an email instead of answering the phone, finding anyway to get my boyfriend to take my car to the shop so I don't have to [Who likes being heckled about an air filter that looks okay to you but will cause your car to blow up? Talk about uncomfortable!]
Praying was no exception. I felt like I didn't know how to pray, the right words, the right tone, the right flow, the right way to get things through to God. I had good intentions! When someone I knew was struggling with something, I would offer the sentiment that I would pray for them. It felt like something I could do, like the act of proclaiming this was as good as actually praying. Wrong.
Now, in my heart, I know that God was looking inside me to see that I truly wanted the person I was 'praying for' to get better, physically, emotionally. He sees everything within us. Whether we want Him to see or not, He sees the good, the bad, the embarrassing, the hurt, the success. He sees it all! AND! He loves us because of and in spite of those things.
But that is a lazy way to pray. To just assume that God is looking inside of us, digging through all the junk, and seeing the intentions. No matter how deep, He sees. So why would I need to actually PRAY? He knows, I know, we're good.
Wrong again.
The reason I bring this up is not because I am chastising those who look to God to see what they need, rather than asking them, but I say this because I recently realized that the reason I was 'praying' this way (which is in quotation marks because that isn't praying in the true sense of the word) was because I was uncomfortable with prayer!
THERE! I said it! I didn't know how to pray the "right way".
Now... before I go on, I know some of you are looking at this and thinking, "There is no 'right way' to pray! You just do it!" But, honest to goodness, I was scared that I would do it incorrectly and someone from the Pray Police would show up and tell me that it was disrespectful to pray the wrong way! This, of course, is very irrational, but worrying about doing things wrong or right can, sometimes, cause me to become paralyzed from taking the first step.
So, back to my story. I was tired of waiting for things to just come to me. That isn't how it works. So I decided to take a page from my boyfriends prayer habits, from the movies, from books. I was on my way to work last week, on Thursday, and I decided to turn the radio off, and just start talking. About anything! About everything! About forgiveness, and my self-esteem, and my dream from the night before, about my parents, friends, work, plans, past. Everything! EVERYTHING!
I just starting talking, and once I got talking, I couldn't stop. I had finally opened the flood gates to all these things that were inside my head, and heart, but were never said out loud. It was so therapeutic to speak about all my short comings, things I hated about myself, things I wanted desperately to change, and things that I needed from Him.
My drive to work usually takes me 35 minutes, and I talked until I got to my car, and about five minutes longer. I had never talked so much about me. And I was speaking to Him, He who knows all about me, made me, and knew everything anyway. I asked for forgiveness for my lack of prayer and belief, I asked him for forgiveness for not coming to Him sooner, and I asked to be helped with the things I was struggling with. {More to come on my personal struggles.}
You know what happened? I felt relieved. I felt like I had broken the wall down between myself and Him... a wall that I had put up. Isn't that true with most things?! There is a problem, however, when you look at it in hindsight, the problem was you, standing in your own way. Funny.
Was it still uncomfortable? Yes. Was it still something that I wasn't sure I could do again? Absolutely. Were there moments when I didn't know what to say? You bet!
All that aside, I had finally allowed myself the chance. That's all it takes!
And now... I do it whenever I am in the car alone! Which is a lot of the time. I drive 35 minutes to and from work.
This isn't something that I can say is a habit. I have only been doing the last couple days. However, I have felt a difference. I am feeling slightly lighter! I have a way to let out frustrations. And this, in turn, allows me to be a better girlfriend to my boyfriend, a better fish owner, a better co worker, a better daughter, a better sister, a better, all around person.
I finally have a sounding board that is zero judgement. I don't have to worry about anything other than how I feel, which allows me to walk it through in my mind, open my heart to Him, and allow a solution to form.
I have been loving it so much. I get in the car and start in.
Are my prayers perfect? NO!! Are they genuine? 100%. Am I still uncomfortable with starting? Yes--and don't get me started on closing. Sometimes I just have to stop.
But what's most important? I start.
Welcome to Faithful and Fancy! My journey back into a faith-filled life.
